Closure . . .

Today I headed back to the court room to end an unexpected journey that has left me a much more appriciative and grateful U.S. Citizen. A little over a month ago I was called to Jury Duty in a case involving child abuse homicide. I was incredibly surprised to be picked as a jury member and had no idea what awaited me in the following week . . . . and month to come. . . It was surreal sitting in a courtroom each day with 7 other people whom I had never met before in my life and listen to testimony regarding the death of a 15 month old boy in preparation of deliberating over the punishment that we as a jury felt was just. It was an incredibly emotional and draining experience. Every day at lunch I sat in my car and cried over what we heard and saw. I was so grateful to have a supportive husband to hold me each night and not question my tears but support me in my role. I also grew 10 times in appreciation of judges, attorneys, and law enforcement officers who daily deal with the problems and conflicts of society. What a difference the bailiffs make to the jury! They were incredibly professional, respectful and protective of the jury members and there support was greatly appreciated. Also the judge kept things "level" in the court room. It was a very serious case and he kept the jury from feeling overwhelemed and like we were drowning by the way that he maintained and monitered the court room. I cannot begin to expound upon the gravity of emotions that a jury carries with it throughout the entire process but it was something else, and rightly so. It was amazing how serious and respectful everyone one was about the position that they were called upon to take and I was to say the least very proud of my fellow jury members. I thought about my brother so much druing the trial as a half dozen police officers were called to testify and bare witness to the events that took Caydens life. I was so grateful to know that he served honorably and I hoped that each officer knew how much they are appreciated. I will never forget what it was like to be sent into the jury room to deliberate the punishment of the man involved. I thought I would be home in an hour or two . . . but quickly learned how mistaken I was. We deliberated for hours . . . going over videos, confessions, reports, testimonies, eveidence etc. We argued with one another, walked the room to calm our nerves, debated, tempers flared, we cried and relayed life experiences just to cope with what lay before us and in the end we reached verdict. I have never felt so weak in the knees as I did walking back into that courtroom, feeling the eyes of a mournful mother and father upon me and hearing the hush that awaited in the courtroom in anticipation of what was to come. I thought that the pain and weight from the trial would drop away when I left the courtroom that night . . . but it held on . . . for weeks now I have thought of what went on in that jury room and gone over everything again and again in my head. I have thought about Cayden and how I felt his spirit during the trial and looked for his face in the crowd. He was there, and his sweet spirit brought foregiveness to my heart and comfort to all of us as we made our decision. It was almost too much to feel so close to him and know that he was okay and wanted us to be okay too. What an experience. Today I went to the sentencing of the man who took Cayden's life and watched his mother and father weep in the two rows in front of me. His grandmother and grandfather spoke, each remembering what a sweet little boy he was and expressed gratitude for having him in there lives, and expressed anger as well as forgiveness. I watched a judge that I have known since I was a little girl as he heard there pleas and held my breath and prayed that he would be able to dispense justice and know that he did what was right. Before this experience I felt like I respected and appreciated the judicial system . . . but came to realize that my appreciation was completely void of true appreciation and understanding regarding the people and processes involved in trying a case and seeing justice enforced. I finally feel like the experience has come full circle since the man who took a sweet little boys life was sentenced to jail today. I think that if every American had the opportunity and willingness to fairly serve on a jury that the world we live in would be a bit better and that we would all be mor appreciative of our justice system . . . as I know I am now.